The following play was written for the Midsummers Night Theatre but was never performed … just didn’t get past the PG censors in Elf Circle I am afraid … (consider yourself warned):
Setting: Only uses upper floor of the theatre
A medical office with a desk and a couple of chairs, a large potted plant at the back, a waiting area and 2 closet sized cubicles about 1x1x3m. There is a darkened sign.
The play opens with with a fae nurse coming to work – getting a coffee and sitting down at her desk – she suddenly notices the time on the sun dial and scampers up to unveil the business sign:
“Elf Klan Sperm Bank – Now Open”
(Shortly after, a myopic undernourished male elf (Studz Plentygood) enters looking nervous and indecisive)
Plentygood: (haltingly)… Uhhhhhhhhhh …. Miss …?
Nurse: (looking up from adjusting her appearance) “come on in – don’t be shy”.
(Plentygood enters looking even more uncomfortable).
Nurse: She says “ ….. Welcome to the Sperm Bank – now, are you here to give or receive?
Plentygood: (taken aback, stammers)……… uhhhhhhhhhhh!
Nurse: (laughing) “I am just jerking you …
(Plentygood looks aghast)
Nurse: “Well … maybe teasing may be a better way to put it. Who was your witch? “
Plentygood: “What witch”….(perplexed)
Nurse: No, which witch … (insistently)
Plentygood: You mean my wife?
Nurse: Well, which witch is your wife?
Plentygood: My wife says she isn’t a witch …she’s just …. uhhh … very assertive (not at all convinced).
Nurse: Lets start again … to get an appointment here you had to see a witch – which witch sent you here
Plentygood: “Ohhhhhh …. Juanita Witch?” (said questioningly)
Nurse: “No thanks I ate an elf last night and I am still full … (and giggles hilariously).
OK …I need the prescription Juanita gave you … (trying to stifle her giggling)
Plentygood: She only gave me this (rezzes a huge beaker) and said I was to “fill ‘er up”
Nurse: Ohhh that’s our Jaunita …. (starts giggling again). Your name please?
Plentygood: Studz Plentygood
Nurse: Oh oh … you might want to think about getting that changed … (she laughs). sorry sperm bank humour …
this might be more manageable (hands him a long narrow test tube).
I will need you to give me your sample … and you only need to half fill it … (giggling again)
Plentygood: (pauses for a moment) ….. “uhhhhhhh sample of what?” …(perplexed)
Nurse: “Read the sign (sarcastically) … “let me make sure this room is Ok”.
She walks over to one of the cubicles with the door partially open. She opens the door and looks inside.
Nurse: “MR FISHFINDER !!!!! What are you still doing here !!! (shouts angrily). Have you been here all night? (disbelief)
Fishfinder: I NEED FIVE MORE MINUTES … now quit interrupting … I need to concentrate.
Nurse: You have to vacate this room right now – I have a man out here all primed and ready to go. You will have to make another appointment.
Plentygood: I can wait …
Nurse: “NO! (emphatically) Fishfinder has been in there since 3 o’clock yesterday. Clear out Mr Fishfinder – it is Mr Plentygoods turn to ride the merry-go-round.”
Fishfinder , a disheveled elf staggers out in his boxer shorts and holding his pants and a magazine.
Fishfinder: These magazines are crap! … some of these girls are 150 years old if they are a day… it’s not my fault … you can’t expect a man to be excited by pictures of wrinkled old vampires in S&M gear.
Nurse: In here My Plentygood (gesturing to the now vacated cubicle – she pulls out two magazines) …now would you like “Vampire Vixens of Vanima” or “The Boffo Boys of the Blueballs Strip”.
Plentygood: Neither! (he stammers entering the doorway, then pokes his head back out) “you want me to …. Uh … want me to uhhhh ….maaa … maas …(stammering)
Nurse: (interrupts) We call it “Choking The Troll” at this facility Mr Plentygood, No need to pretend you don’t know what to do … I had four brothers … and 6 uncles … and a dog named Lackanookie. Those boys never left a troll unchoked my mother always said … (laughs)
Fishfinder: Be sure and let her know if you need a hand ….
Plentygood hurriedly closes the door and an intense light over the stall starts flashing saying “Showtime”.
Fishfinder: That light puts me off …
Nurse: “nothing ‘gets you off’ (she quips)
Fishfinder: “I said ‘puts’ (irritated)
Nurse: You should have said “Putz” (sarcastically)
She goes to her desk and sits down, Fishfinder paces back and forth for 10 seconds or so then goes to the cubicle and opens the door.
Fishfinder: How is going in there Plentygood – you about done?
Plentygood shrieks (slams the door)
Fishfinder: (to the door) You’ve got lousy technique Plentygood … try reaching under your leg and pretending it is someone else doing it …
Nurse: Mr. Fishfinder – I think it is time you left! (angrily)
Fishfinder: Why can’t I use this other cubicle? (gesturing)
Nurse: That is reserved for the ladies (haughtily)
Fishfinder: The ladies! What do they need it for?
Nurse: This is Second Life Mr Fishfinder , 33% of all ladies are really men. We give them equal access to our facilities
Fishfinder: On yeah … did you know 57.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot?
Nurse: Hummph!
Fishfinder: Soooooo … what is the difference between the mens and ladies cubicles?
Nurse: Well if you must know – the ladies has a pink leatherette chair and a fur lined toilet seat. They also get satin gloves and Martha Stewart magazines
Fishfinder: oh boy … I bet that gets them hot
Fishfinder wanders over to the waiting area casting envious glances at the cubicle. The nurse goes back to modifying her appearance. A short time later there is a commotion off stage and a nurses aide (Polly Saturated) comes running in …
Polly: ( a young nurses aide) Nurse Susipoo … nurse Susipoo … emergency … emergency (she cries out)
Nurse: Calm down Polly … what is the problem
Polly:: It is Mrs Easybake … her temperature just peaked! Right this minute …
Nurse: OMG she is OVULATING … we must inseminate her at once … get my instruments!
Polly goes to a file cabinet and pulls out items like a blow up doll, a rubber chicken and finally finds a huge turkey baster
Fishfinder has been looking on with interest …
Fishfinder: Maybe I could help …?
Nurse: She hasn’t got a month ! (said bitingly) This requires an immediate “Home Insemination Intervention” I must go… (tucks the turkey baster under her arm)
Fishfinder: Why can’t Mr Easybake take care of it … it hardly seems like it is a big imposition.
Polly: (says helpfully) He can’t … he is in the hospital in a full body cast. He went sky diving but a griefer glued his parachute pack shut. Now he is in traction.
Nurse: Yes … we must go to the hospital first and collect his contribution. Polly … you run over there and get him prepped! (emphatically) Whatever you do, do not over prep him … remember he has not made a contribution for some time and he may be … well … his Troll maybe pretty perky.
Fishfinder: OMG where do I get me a body cast ….sheeeeesh (eyeing departing Polly’s pretty posterior)
Nurse: Fishfinder, you have to stay here and look after the office until I get back.
Fishfinder: Oh suuuuuuuuuuuure …. heh heh heh (does his Snidely Whiplash imitation)
Nurse: I mean it! And don’t touch anything, and leave Mr Plentygood alone … when he brings you his sample … cork it and put it in the refrigerator
Fishfinder: I ain’t touching it …
Nurse hurries out with the big turkey baster still under her arm
Fishfinder: (looking around the office) I need to look the part … (goes to a coat rack and finds a white smock and doctors stethoscope and puts them on – stands in front of a mirror admiring himself for a moment. Then walks over to Plentygoods cubicle and opens the door)
Fishfinder: so how is it coming?
Plentygood shrieks
Fishfinder: (sternly) You will never get anywhere like that. Prop those magazines up against the wall and use both hands (shuts the door)
Fishfinder wanders over to the reception desk and starts studying a chart he finds on the desk …
A total and obvious ruthlike Noob wanders in – flying, but not realizing in and banging into things and smacking into Fishfinder. He is sporting a large pair of breasts and squirrel slippers.
Fishfinder: WHAT THE FFFFFFFF …. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
Noob: Halllo … I be Boris … I your need helb …are you impotent?
Fishfinder; (yelling) WHO TOLD YOU THAT! I’LL SUE … I AM AS POTENT AS A MAN CAN BE …
Noob : No no I mean say IMPORTANT. Sorry very badly English not I have.
Fishfinder: Well yes … I am rather IMPORTANT … don’t you recognize a doctor when you see one?
Noob: Good – I need helb – because I got no PEANUTS … Them Linden gib me no PEANUTS …
Fishfinder: Well you would probably just choke on them anyways …
Noob: NOoooo … I no eat … want make girl go whoopee with my love parts. I need Peanuts. (moves his hips graphically)
Fishfinder: OOooohhh … you mean PENIS. For a minute there I thought you were nuts …. (laughs long and hard at his own joke)
Noob: I speak English not pretty good, not you know?
Fishfinder: Ya ya ya …whatever … have you got any money?
Noob: I onlies got $1478 linden monies… is all
Fishfinder: Perfect! A peanut costs $1575, but I will give you $100 off because we are friends (chuckles – and rezzes a huge box marked FREEBIES in big red letters – and takes something into inventory)
Fishfinder: What I have for you is the biggest and best peanut in Second Life … you just have to pay me $1475
Noob: What is dat FREEBIE … I thought that be for nothing
Fishfinder: no no no my friend … When it is in capital letters and in red like that (points to the box – which he takes back into inventory) it is the name of the best body parts company in the world. Uh … you do know how to pay me , right.
Noob: I pay … I need peanuts bad (fiddles about – the sound of money paid is heard)
Fishfinder: Perfect …. Here (transfers something). Ok now you have to get out of here – leave – I have IMPORTANT things to do …. Go on … scooot.
The Noob is reluctant to go wanting to see his purchase and tries to wear it. A large penis shaped box appears on his head with the words “Sarah Nerds Noobie Wing-Wang” on the side
Fishfinder: GO ON – GET OUT – I have patients coming … scoot … vamoose … austa la wayga baby (ushering him out the door – shouts after him). YOU CAN ASK ANY GIRL YOU SEE TO HELP YOU TRY IT OUT
… OOoooooooo ….. stands aside to make way for a lady who is entering
Enters ZsaZsaZas Plentygood – a blond bombshell of bimbo like proportions … Fishfinder, chart in hand, walks over to her looking every inch the doctor.
ZsaZsaZsa: What was that guy doing ? (looking toward the door)
Fishfinder: He has a bad case of Peanut Brain. How can I help you ?
ZsaZsaZsa: I would like to speak to a ….
Fishfinder: (interrupting) Stick out your tongue … (she does so) …. Hmmmmm …interesting … now move your arms back till your elbows touch (she does her best to accommodate- he peers closely at her up thrust breasts) …breath deep three times … now jump up and down till I tell you to stop … and keep that tongue out! (she tries but after a couple of hops gives up)
ZsaZsaZsa: I just wanted some information…
Fishfinder: We don’t do information – we do insemination. Now if you would just slip out of your clothes and bend over the back of the couch we will get started right away..
ZsaZsaZsa: No … I only want to know if my husband is here … his name is Studz Plentygood.
Fishfinder: Never heard of him …
Plentygood: (from the cubicle) Darling is that you out there? Just a minute … I’m coming (obviously straining) …
Fishfinder: (shouts) And it is about time too! (to ZZZ) He has been choking the troll for 20 minutes … poor guy … has the lowest sperm count in the entire Fantasy Continent … which should really be called “Farleyworld”.
ZsaZsaZsa: yes … Farleyworld is a wonderful name … what do you mean “choking the troll”?
Fishfinder: You know … pounding his pork – yanking his yam – taming the purple veined trouser snake … slapping the one eyed monk …
Plentygood comes out of the cubicle with his shirt tail hanging out of his zipper …
Plentygood: hello darling … did you come to help me off … I mean out?
ZsaZsaZsa: Oh sweetheart … wonderful news … listen to my tummy (steps up on a convenient chair he moves close to her tummy – a long low gurgling sound is heard) … just wait …
ZZZ’s Baby says: GOO GOO GAAA GAAA
Plentygood: Darling … have you been eating leeks again …?
ZsaZsaZsa: No silly … keep listening …
ZZZ’s Baby says: I love being here in mummy’s tummy but I am going kick the crap out of her anyways (KICK- KICK – KICK)
A thudding sound is heard with each kick – ZZZ jumps in pain
ZSAZSAZSA: OW (angry) QUIT THAT YOU ROTTEN LITTLE SHhhhh…. Oooooo (regretfully rubbing her tummy) … (sweetly) Ohhhhhhh dear … mommy’s sorry baby … you just need to take it a little easier on the womb darling baby of mine …mommy’s only got one.
Fishfinder: So there you go Plentygood – your boys can swim after all.
ZsaZsaZsa: I think it was because you switched to boxer shorts darling
Plentygood : now what do I do with this – referring to the giant test tube – it is only a quarter full
Fishfinder: leave it here … I will finish it for you … Plentygood parks it in a sample holder
ZsaZsaZsa: lets go darling to get our happy little home ready for baby ….(They start to walk off stage arm in arm … )
ZZZ’s Baby says: HEY I’M BORED … couldn’t you swallow a TV or something … (KICK- KICK -KICK)
ZsaZsaZsa: (yells) KNOCK IT OFF YOU LITTLE JERK … (softly& sweetly) …Ohhhhhh mommy’s sorry my little treasure, but precious mustn’t be kicking mommy or mommy will have to kick back … maybe even …. PUNT YOU OUT OF THE STADIUM ….. fades off)
Fishfinder picks up the quarter full test tube and starts back into the cubicle and just as he goes in the door … Nurse Susipoo and Polly return … thinking he is coming out of the cubicle with a sample
Nurse: That is wonderful Fishfinder – I see you were finally successful – you will get a happy face on your chart for copious discharge.
Fishfinder: Ya well …. hey … it takes a little time to do good work (modestly placing the test tube back in the sample stand). So how did it go with the Easybakes?
Polly: (brimming with excitement) It was wonderful … I prepped him beautifully – didn’t I Nurse Susipoo – he seemed very enthusistic
Nurse: Humph …that’s enough Polly …
Polly: … and grateful … he went off like a firehose
Fishfinder: … lucky bastard (muttering)
Nurse: POLLY! …
Polly: … It’s a good thing I used to play fastball … I had to make a diving catch with a beaker …
Nurse: ENOUGH POLLY!
Polly: (disappointed – voice fading off) … and I scraped my elbow when I slipped off the bed and fell on the floor … but I didn’t spill it!
Fishfinder: (clearly in awe of Polly’s story) Annnnnnd …. Mrs Easybake …?
Polly: ( perkily) she was doing her nails … I don’t think she even noticed. She said: “Why would I do anything different than I usually do when I am trying to get knocked up…?”
The nurse walks over to her desk shaking her head in disgust.
Fishfinder: She actually said “knocked up”
Polly: No she actually said “get up a Stump”, but I thought that sounded a bit crude …
Fishfinder: Maybe a little ….uhhhhhhh …. Nurse, about that sample
Nurse: Yes?
Fishfinder: I can do much better – I want to donate that sample to the poor and downtrodden. Sort of my gift to humanity.
Nurse: Mr Fishfinder , the poor and downtrodden hardly need your sperm to improve their lot in life.
Fishfinder: Isn’t there something we can do with it … I know I can do better.
Nurse: Well we could use it for scientific research I guess … but that is the first sample you were able to give after three months of trying almost every day … are you sure?
Fishfinder: Yeah … I am sure … I got the hang of it now … I only need one more appointment
Nurse: Ok then
Fishfinder: I will be leaving then … goodnight (walks towards the door)
Nurse: Yes – we are closing up now. Goodnight Mr Fishfinder
Polly: Goodnight …. (to the nurse) I can’t wait to get home and show my boyfriend what I learned today … er, I mean tell him.
Nurse: Hummph … I bet. Lets bring these charts up to date …
The ladies look over paper work on the desk – the sound of Fishfinder closing the door on the way out – but then we see him tip toeing back in and hiding behind a lager potted plant near the back of the office
The ladies finish up … and say their goodnights and leave. Fishfinder waits a minute … comes out of hiding and tiptoes to the cubicle and looks into the open door
Fishfinder: Ahhhhhh come to me my Vampire Vixens of Vanima ….
He goes inside – closes the door and the big light starts flashing off and on
“SHOWTIME – SHOWTIME – SHOWTIME “
The End
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