Posted by: Farley | September 23, 2009

Stinky The Owl

Stinky the Great Horned owl 2
In relative terms, we are lucky to have a great horned owl making his home in the large plum tree over-hanging our deck in the backyard. We take great delight when we see him (her?) perched there at dusk – his yellow eyes wide – head swiveling like a radar dish on an aircraft carrier. I say relative terms since the pelleted remains of mice and birds on the ground below our hungry hooter, have limited appeal. We have been unable to find a worthy use for the pellets and no, my wife will not bury them in her gardens.

We think he likes the tree because it gives him a view of a couple of bird feeders and an open park area behind our place. We were always a bit worried that he might go after our dogs, a pair of Bichons. A friend of ours had a West Highland terrier puppy attacked and badly injured by an owl. But our dogs were too big for him I suppose.  We naively thought he might consider them family.

Owls love to hunt rodents. A Great Horned owl apparently does not have a sense of smell, or not much of one at least. It surprised us to learn they have the unlovely habit of eating skunks. There are three basic problems with this. First, we DO have a sense of smell.  Second, the owl perches upwind from our deck. Third, a skunk is too big for an owl to eat so they only tear the skunk open and eat the organs. This leaves a dead skunk torn apart and to quote the song “stinking to high heaven”.

The other night we went out on our deck to enjoy the moonlight before bed. We were delighted when the owl soared in and landed in the plum tree. Our delight was short lived as he had obviously dined on filet du Pepe Le Pew that evening. This is an aspect of owls that Rawlings seems to have overlooked in the Harry Potter books. Gasping and choking we ran into the house closing windows and lighting candles.

Morning dawned, cool, dead still, slightly foggy and very smelly. “Find that dead skunk” was the command issued by my wife. We were worried it might be on our property and our problem for disposal. I went outside and started to look around. The odour was ubiquitous. I headed toward the back gate which provides access to a park behind our home. There in the park, 10 meters from the gate was the gutted skunk. The smell made my eyes water. I went into the garden shed to find a garbage bag.

We are lucky to have a long narrow walking park behind our home. It is lovely to stroll or jog there and many people bring their pets. I don’t know why it is, but people with large dogs seem to think this is the perfect place to let them run off leash. They ignore the signs and the fact they endanger children and others, and that they can’t clean up after their animals properly. One of the worst offenders is a lady who runs a huge young Doberman off leash. It is more than a little intimidating when he runs up aggressively to give you a thorough sniffing.  People just freeze in fear.  The owner jogs by and yells out  ”Don’t worry – he is friendly, but don’t pet him!”.  Never mind that your dog is going mad to get away and tangles you up in his leash leaving you bound and helpless.

I came out of the garden shed with garbage bags and saw the Doberman running across the park headed towards the dead skunk. His owner was jogging a couple of hundred meters behind not paying attention to her dog as usual. The dog reached the skunk, gleefully grabbed the carcass and turning, ran towards his owner. He wanted to share his delightful prize, I suppose.

She saw him coming with a bouncing skunk in his mouth. It looked perfectly alive and struggling and she started to scream “ DROP IT DUKE – DROP IT”. He kept coming, his pointy little ears all perky and his tail stub sort of wagging and the juicy skunk bouncing in his jaws.

“OH GAWD – OH GAWD – DROP IT – DROP IT “ she shrieked. He was obviously going to bring it to her come hell or high water. She turned and started to run “HELP – HELP – BAD DOG – HELP – DROP IT – BAD DOG – HELP” she screamed. She ran full tilt down the park trail.

Young Duke thought it was great fun and was cavorting along behind her happy as could be taking my skunk problem home. I could hear her long after I lost sight of them. And it didn’t end there. For the next few days every unleashed dog that came through the park would run to the spot where the dead skunk had been lying – and roll and roll and roll. They pretty much soaked up all the bad smell and took it home.   I thought that was very thoughtful of them.

So, we still love Stinky the Owl and while we would rather he not come by smelling like a skunk, we see there may be a silver lining the odd time when he does.

P.S. Please leash your dogs.

Posted by: Farley | July 28, 2009

Watcher Of The Vines

The Wacher of the Vines 1994 - 2008
V1
The restless leaves of autumn
Whisper round my yard
The graying clouds go rolling by
Winter’s coming hard

V2
Children through the window
(A timeless lullaby)
Are a blur of colored charm
(Words in soft reply
And lovers go strolling by
(Memories brings a sigh
With hearts locked arm in arm
(Echoes of goodbye)

Chorus
You are the watcher of The Vines
Keeping to your lonely vigil
You’re a dreamer
You’re a schemer
Bon vivant – and my friend

V3
You came to me in winter
(Gentle won the day )
When I faced a bitter fight
(A friend will surely stay
You soothed my swollen spirit
(Tears will fade away)
Quenched my appetite
(And love is for today)

Bridge
I have taken more than I can ever give
Still you never mind at all
I have taken you for granted my friend
Still, you love me; still you love me
Still, you love me; still you love me
Still, you love me through it all

Chorus
You are the watcher of The Vines
Keeping to your lonely vigil
You’re a dreamer
You’re a schemer
Bon vivant – and my friend

V4
The Sun is sinking lower
(A timeless lullaby)
It’s time for you to go
(A word in soft reply)
I will miss your gentle heart
(Memories bring a sigh)
More than you can know
(Echoes of goodbye)

PS:  If you would like to hear how it sounds as an early working draft put to music, I have posted it as an mp3 here.

https://sites.google.com/site/in2bronte/Home/the-watcher-of-the-vines

Posted by: Farley | July 28, 2009

The Banks Of The Albany

The Fur Trade Route
By the time we shipped the oars
The sun was going down
We built our fires high
And bedded on the ground

Refrain
Oh, the banks of the Albany
Are hard as they outta be
And I am praying, for the day
We reach the bay

Auroras light the sky
Sparks fly and join the dance
Loons sing lullabies
And me, je manque La France
(and me, I’m missing France)
Refrain

Bridge
Granite shorelines carved by glaciers
The land of Ojibway and the Cree
Meadows blaze with yellow lady-slippers
Violet covered hills
Where the white water spills
Running … to the Bay
… à la Baie

This load of beaver pelt
Gets heavy in the rain
Slippin on the rock
As we portage again
Refrain

The trader at the Sioux
Said in Moosonee beware
He plied us all with booze
And cheated us then and there
Refrain

Posted by: Farley | July 26, 2009

Even-Tide

The foam of the sea ...
V1
Waves on the shore
The old troubadour
Out along the Spanish strand
Writing secrets in the sand
Just you and me
The foam on the sea
Passion by the waterside
Drifting in on even-tide
Love came to be

V2
I’ll be there for you
If you will be there for me
I’ll hold you forever
Like the moon holds the sea
Ebb with the tide
Go with the flow
Passion by the waterside
Drifting in on even-tide
Love by the sea

Chorus
Sailing away on a even-tide
Looking to find a place we can hide
Sailing her hard till it seems we are flying
Running away from sad, sad good byes
On the even-tide

Bridge
Red sky at night
Lovers delight
Red sky at morn
Be warned
If you see a mackerel sky
And the gulls refuse to fly
Batten down your life
For the storm

V3
I’ll be there for you
If you will be there for me
I’ll hold you forever
Like the moon holds the sea
Ebb with the tide
Go with the flow
Passion by the waterside
Drifting in on even-tide
Love by the sea
Repeat

Chorus
Sailing away on a even-tide
Looking to find a place we can hide
Sailing her hard till it seems we are flying
Running away from sad, sad good byes
On the even-tide

Posted by: Farley | July 13, 2009

Darkland

Buffy Saint-marie self portrait
Fog drifting on the stream
Moving down the watershed
Misting over like a dream
Layered on the river bed
Sounds muffled in the dusk
Echo of an ancient cry
Old memory of rust
Spirit who will never die

Chorus
Dark eyes        Dark skies
Dark lies          Dark cries
Dark dream      Dark scheme
Dark sand        Dark land

Sweet grasses of the earth
Swaying to a gentle song
Whisper of a coming birth
He will right an ancient wrong
One warrior from the dark
He will give the battle cry
Many more await the spark
And will let their arrows fly

Chorus

City living is a sin
Seem to lose your place in time
Dull your senses from within
Burden of the urban grime
Leave behind the city waste
In the life you don’t belong
Lose the clutter and the haste
Come and find your spirit song

Chorus

(©SOCAN)

Story behind this song:
I had been reading archival information about the Bronte region.  The land along Lake Ontario was indian land and was set aside as a reserve back in the early 1800’s.  Legend had it that an Iroquois warrier had been killed by British sailors when they sheltered in the natural harbour at Bronte.  This warrior’s spirit stayed and protected the land from the never ending expansion of white settlers.  It was said one day he would rise up and lead a great war and drive all foreigners from the lands.

One eveinging I had a near mystical experience walking my dogs along Bronte Creek. An unusual and very creepy fog literally rolled down the river and engulfed us.  The dogs were spooked – so was I.  I had never seen anything like it.  I wondered if this had happened before and if the long dead Indian warrior had stood where I was and witnessed the same thing.

Across the Bronte creek their was a bank of white sand with dark streaks running through it.  My over active imagination suggested old blood stains.  “Maybe the native spirits will return reclaim the land we stole …”  Me and the dogs boogied on out of there.  I wrote the song late that night.

One of the things that I like about this song is it received a lot of airplay on the Six Nations Reserve radio station.  The lyric was also chosen to be displayed at t major indian community festival.  To my great honour (undeserving) it appeared right beside Pauline Johnson’s wonderful poem “The Song My Paddle Sings”.  Now there is a poet!  If you haven’t read that poem, you should.

Posted by: Farley | July 13, 2009

The Dance Of The Night

(His)
Hadn’t been home for a couple of years
And I came to town to shed some tears
For a high school friend who had met his end
And I stayed a while
One night I took a walk uptown
I was kicking a can just hanging around
Went by her old house and saw her looking down
And she smiled at me
She gave me a hug and took my hand
We walked for miles and shared our plans
And down by the river on the silver sand
Watched the full moon rise

(Chorus Duet)
The moonlight on you
The moonlight on you
The moonlight on you
Captured me
And the dance of the night, can be so true and right
When the warmth of your love , helps you rise above
And funny , it seems , when all of your dreams
Were waiting, waiting, behind you

(Her)
I moved back home when my daddy left
To help mom regain her self respect
Took a job at night at the Red and White
And life passed me by
I fell in love a time or two
But one was married and the other wouldn’t do
And when mom passed on and left me alone
I was tired inside
Then out my window that summer night
I saw him standing in the street light
When he looked at me I could clearly see
I wanted him

(Chorus Duet)
The moonlight on you
The moonlight on you
The moonlight on you
Captured me
And the dance of the night, can be so true and right
When the warmth of your love , helps you rise above
And funny , it seems , when all of your dreams
Were waiting, waiting, behind you
The Moonlight on you …. (out)

Posted by: Farley | June 11, 2009

The Cleansing

Well that certainly was no fun, yesterday was the “day” I had been dreading since the previous “day” several years ago. One of the irritating things about aging is the medical stuff. Some time back, my doctor found out that my mother had died of liver cancer. It had spread from her bowel. He gleefully declared that I needed a colonoscopy exam at least every few years.

I know he was right and I knew that if my mother had of just been more upfront with her doctor and told him when she was having some problems, the cancer may not have spread and so on and so on …

Being “scoped” is a lot like a root canal – it’s reputation is far worse than the actual event. It certainly is no fun;  just a bit worse than having a baby. The 4 litres of soap you have to drink (yes it is a form of soap) is very trying. But you get through it and believe me – it gets through you!

After the procedure I was laying on my side in the recovery room trying to fart the Theme From Deliverance – did I mention they give you a strong sedative and pump you full of gas?  Then a long forgotten memory drifted through my hazy mind.

It was a hot August day. My cousin Glen and I were 14 and we were out on Rice Lake with in his dad’s 16 foot boat and the smoky old Johnson motor. With us was my cousin’s cousin from the other side of his family. His name was Ross and he was older than us by a couple of years, but had the maturity of a ten year old. He had the most annoying habit – he imitated Curly from the Three Stooges. Not once in a while, but every minute of every day. He had the voice and all the stupid finger moves and expressions like “nyuk-yuk-yuk” down pat. It was so frigging irritating … It was all I could do to keep from hitting him with an oar.

We were water skiing – sort of anyways. We didn’t have real water skis – we used a pair of wide old cross country skis we found in the rafters in the shed of an abandoned barn nearby. We had made a 40 foot tow rope with some line we had “borrowed” from some cottager. The boat wasn’t real fast pulling you out of the water but once you got up on the skis it was plenty darn fast. At least for the 200 or 300 yards before you fell.

Glen and I had been trying to ski all week with little success. Ross was too busy imitating Curly to bother and besides, he was scared of the water. He didn’t swim you know, and his mother had nearly drowned once, you know and yadda, yadda, yadda. We bullied and nagged at him and teased him like young boys do. There were four girls on a swimming platform nearby adding an enormous amount of pressure and sexual tension to the situation. Finally he caved and said he would try it. He made us promise we would drive the boat slow and stop if he yelled. We had one life jacket in the boat – it was pretty badly waterlogged and rotted out but we told him he would bob like a cork with it on.

Because he was afraid to actually get in the water, we sat him on the dock with the skis on, dangling just above the water. We told him no matter what “do not let go of the rope”. The boat was idling beside the dock, and with a cheery word of encouragement and a wave at the girls, we put the hammer down. We were used to the boat digging in and hauling the skier slowly up out of the water. That wasn’t the way it worked with the skier sitting on the dock.

The boat shot forward like a frightened deer. Ross was nervously sitting there looking at the girls going “Nyuk – yuk – yuk” when we hit the end of the rope. Instantly he accelerated to 30 mph and wonder of wonders he stayed on the skis. He wasn’t going to let go of that rope if his life depended on it. The skis started spreading apart and he leaned back. His butt was getting lower and lower and his legs spread wider. His bathing suit split apart at the seam from the crotch to the waste band. Then his ass hit the water.

I am told that on Rice lake they still tell tales about the blood-curdling shriek that echoed up and down the lake that day. Ross had invented the water-ski enema. He finally let go of the rope. We wheeled the boat around as fast as we could – he was screaming “my ass – my ass” in a most un-Curly-like manner.

One of the girls on the barrel raft was a trained lifeguard and she hit the water in a crisp neat dive and was beside him before we could get there. Suddenly she let out a shriek and scrambled madly back to the raft leaving poor Ross half sinking and still screaming unintelligibly about his ass. We drew up beside him and saw what had panicked the lifeguard. The late water was crystal clear blue but Ross was surrounded by a disgusting brown cloud of fecal matter. Glen, genius that he was, asked “Ross- did you poop in the water?”

Ross grabbed the edge of the boat in panic saying “pull me up pull me up – it hurts”. By then we realized what had happened. Glen said “no damned way. You will get s**t all over my dad’s boat – he will kill us”.

We made him hold on to the transom and towed him back to the dock. Somewhere along the way his bathing suit came off entirely. A coffee colored brown stain followed us all the way in. The girls met us back on the dock, and Ross stayed in the shallow water for a few minutes while I suppose, he emptied. We were all trying not to laugh at him. I threw him my towel to wrap around his naked butt. He was walking real slow and bow-legged. I teased him saying “that’s not the way Curly walks Ross – show the girls that little dance he does”

He lost it and started swearing a blue streak, girls or no girls. He threatened to tell Glen’s dad we had tried to kill him. I stepped forward with my arms out like I was going to hug him and said “awwwww Ross …” and reached down and ripped my towel off. All of us scattered and I ran the quarter mile home. I could hear the girls squealing and Ross bellowing. People were coming out of their cottages to see what was going on.

We probably would have got in a lot of trouble but Ross’s mom decided she needed to run him in to see the doctor in case, in her words, “something else got up there”. A fish I suppose. Our parents were drinking out behind the cottage and when we told the story the men were laughing so hard it kind of defused our mother’s concern. I don’t think it helped that they had long gotten sick of Ross’s Curly routine too.

Every cloud has a silver lining they say. This one had three. First, Ross never spoke to me again. Second, I laughed every time I thought of him. Third, the lifeguards name was Bonnie and she was the hottest little firecracker I ever met. We dated all summer.

Posted by: Farley | June 8, 2009

A Very Personal View of Relay For Life

Mud Street.  Who in their right mind would name a street Mud Street?  The green glow on the dash said that it was 11:40 pm and I had promised to arrive ten minutes ago.  I peered through the windshield hoping to see a human I could ask for directions – something I only do under extreme duress.  No such luck!  I saw the boondocks – that’s all.  The boondocks of Stoney Creek!  I did notice that the sky was lit up off to my left and I gladly turned off the street called Mud.
The Canadian Cancer Society’s “Relay For Life” event was in full swing.  I was directed through the crowded parking lot and parked as close to the sound stage as possible.  I left my car and hurried through the maze of parked cars.  When I came to a pathway, I stopped and stared.  I had never seen anything like it.<!–more–>
This path was lined with glowing lanterns on both sides.  So were all the other walkways.  Not a few dozen lights, or a few hundred – but thousands.  Softly flickering beacons that emitted a living-warmth.  There was a light fog nuzzling the lampposts overhead.  This intimate ceiling shimmered with the reflected light.
I knelt down and looked closely at one of the lanterns.  It was a simple white paper bag with a candle inside.  I soon learned it was called a luminary.  On the outside was written the name Ron Spencer, a date, and a few other details.  Ron had lost his battle with cancer.  So had the next person, and the next, and the next … I looked at about 10 before I found a person who was listed as a survivor.
People stepped around me as I read name after name, my mind awash with emotion.  I rose and walked towards the music stage.  I felt a catch in my throat when I saw the word “HOPE” on a hillside spelled out with the seemingly endless luminaries.
I joined up with my band mates and we gathered our gear to get ready for the concert.  We had a half hour or so before we were to play.  When all was ready, I slipped away and meandered again along the paths of light.  The silvery warmth of the candles, the glowing fog, and the soft murmer of people walking and talking, sent my mind sliding down an old aching pathway of it’s own.
In July of 1987 on a similar warm night with a low fog and with a giant full moon that turned Lake Ontario to silver, I sat on a Toronto General hospital bed staring out the window.  My mother’s hand was in mine and I could feel her laboured breathing to the depths of my soul.  Her battle with cancer was lost at 3:42 that unbearably sad morning.
I found a lovely lady who took my $5 and gave me a candle, a bag and a marker.  She put her hand on my shoulder when she saw I faltered writing my mothers name.  I took my mother’s luminary and set it along the pathway overlooking the stage where I would be playing.  I wanted her to hear me play just once more.  I wanted her to hear the new songs I had written.
A karaokie band was on the stage.  I went and found my friend Garry and talked him into getting up on stage and singing with me.  We picked an old Johnny Horton song – The Battle of New Orleans.  We were awful.  My mother would have loved it.  She loved Johnny Horton.  And she loved me too.
I know some things about cancer:
In Canada today, more than forty percent of us will be diagnosed with cancer, and about 20% of us will die from it.
I know cancer can and will be beaten if we all help.
My thanks to all who were there.  You swept me off my feet, touched my heart and supported me when I faltered.
I especially thank my mother – the woman who gave me life, gave me the gift of music, and who loved me unconditionally.
Lost to cancer in July 1987.
<img title=”My Mother As I Picture Her” src=”http://farleycrabgrass.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/lynn-broten.jpg?w=293″ alt=”My Mother As I Picture Her” width=”293″ height=”300″ />

My mother ... I miss you every day

Mud Street.  Who in their right mind would name a street Mud Street?  The green glow on the dash said that it was 11:40 pm and I had promised to arrive ten minutes ago.  I peered through the windshield hoping to see a human I could ask for directions – something I only do under extreme duress.  No such luck!  I saw the boondocks – that’s all.  The boondocks of Stoney Creek!  I did notice that the sky was lit up off to my left and I gladly turned off the street called Mud.

The Canadian Cancer Society’s “Relay For Life” event was in full swing.  I was directed through the crowded parking lot and parked as close to the sound stage as possible.  I left my car and hurried through the maze of parked cars.  When I came to a pathway, I stopped and stared.  I had never seen anything like it.

This path was lined with glowing lanterns on both sides.  So were all the other walkways.  Not a few dozen lights, or a few hundred – but thousands.  Softly flickering beacons that emitted a living-warmth.  There was a light fog nuzzling the lampposts overhead.  This intimate ceiling shimmered with the reflected light.

I knelt down and looked closely at one of the lanterns.  It was a simple white paper bag with a candle inside.  I soon learned it was called a luminary.  On the outside was written the name Ron Spencer, a date, and a few other details.  Ron had lost his battle with cancer.  So had the next person, and the next, and the next … I looked at about 10 before I found a person who was listed as a survivor.

People stepped around me as I read name after name, my mind awash with emotion.  I rose and walked towards the music stage.  I felt a catch in my throat when I saw the word “HOPE” on a hillside spelled out with the seemingly endless luminaries.

I joined up with my band mates and we gathered our gear to get ready for the concert.  We had a half hour or so before we were to play.  When all was ready, I slipped away and meandered again along the paths of light.  The silvery warmth of the candles, the glowing fog, and the soft murmer of people walking and talking, sent my mind sliding down an old aching pathway of it’s own.

In July of 1987 on a similar warm night with a low fog and with a giant full moon that turned Lake Ontario to silver, I sat on a Toronto General hospital bed staring out the window.  My mother’s hand was in mine and I could feel her laboured breathing to the depths of my soul.  Her battle with cancer was lost at 3:42 that unbearably sad morning.

I found a lovely lady who took my $5 and gave me a candle, a bag and a marker.  She put her hand on my shoulder when she saw I faltered writing my mothers name.  I took my mother’s luminary and set it along the pathway overlooking the stage where I would be playing.  I wanted her to hear me play just once more.  I wanted her to hear the new songs I had written.

A karaokie band was on the stage.  I went and found my friend Garry and talked him into getting up on stage and singing with me.  We picked an old Johnny Horton song – The Battle of New Orleans.  We were awful.  My mother would have loved it.  She loved Johnny Horton.  And she loved me too.

I know some things about cancer:

In Canada today, more than forty percent of us will be diagnosed with cancer, and about 20% of us will die from it.

I know cancer can and will be beaten if we all help.

My thanks to all who were there.  You swept me off my feet, touched my heart and supported me when I faltered.

I especially thank my mother – the woman who gave me life, gave me the gift of music, and who loved me unconditionally.

Lost to cancer in July 1987.

Posted by: Farley | June 7, 2009

HIN

They tell me there is no elven word that exactly means Grandchild – hin is a word which means child or child of love – it is the closest I could come for this poem ….

Hin

The rustle of your footstep at my door
Rouses me from sleep, I whisper you in
You are too proud to wake your sleeping mom
But certain of the comfort here within

I would not scorn the worries of your sleep
And will gladly calm you of your fears
The panic flitting on dampened cheek
Dark eyes brimmed with held back tears

We old share much anguish with the young
We worry life will breach our soft defense
The aching heartaches yet to come
And fear the loss of innocence

You now face the growing pains of youth
I deal with looming shadows yet to fall
Together we draw comfort from embrace
And share our love for visions that enthrall

I weave for you my dreams of unicorns
Of rabbits who talk and ponies at your call
Of fae and elves and wonderous spells
Of hobbits short, bearded wizards tall

And soon my dreams become your own
Then I must leave to go again
Where life is fair and friends so true
To the lands of ElvenGlen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The story behind the poem:

I found out when I was 14 that I could never have children. I was in first year high school and one day my mother told me I had a doctor appointment and to go there before school. Since I wasn’t sick I assumed it was some kind of checkup. When I got to our family doctors office, he came in and gave me a brief embarrassing exam which included groping my “boys” and telling me to cough. Then he told me I was to go to the local hospital for a test of some kind. They called me a cab and gave me an envelope with papers inside. My mom worked so I assumed things were busy down at the shoe factory, and since she was on piece work, she couldn’t take time off. “Time is money in the shoe business” she used to say.

I got to the hospital and went to the lab, and the lady there asked where my parents were. I told her my mom was working and she snootily took me to a small room with a chair and an examining table – handed me a glass beaker and told me she needed a sample. I told her I needed a toilet if I was going to pee – and she says “not that kind of sample – a sperm sample” and walked out.

Panic. I couldn’t believe my ears. There was no way in the world I was going to admit that I knew how to do that. I sort of thought I was the only one who even knew that was possible.  Sex education was hardly a science in my day.  After a while she came back and asked how it was going. I told her I didn’t know what sperm was. She was furious “damn parents” she muttered as she stomped off to find a doctor. So this doctor comes in and tells me what I have to do and how – in anguish I looked at the beaker and said “I could never hit that – I don’t know how to aim”.

He brought me in a couple of “Health In Nudity” magazines – the nurse was protesting in loud whispers that I was too young for pornography. They locked me back up in there for an hour or so. I finally came up with a sample and they shipped me back to school.

My best friend was Ron and he was half a year older than me and much wiser to the ways of the world. At lunch, he naturally wanted to know where I had been all morning. I was really quiet and he kept pressing me. Finally I swore him to secrecy and asked him if he gone to the doctors yet and given a sample. “A sample of what?” he says. I told him. “Jesus H Christ” he swore, “your doctor is a pervert!” I told him to shut up and threatened him with violence.

Within half an hour it was the main topic of conversation in school. At 1:30 pm there was a rap on the door of my home room. The school guidance counselor came and hauled me out of class. I got to the office and the public health nurse came running in; breathless. They demanded to know what had been done to me. They assured me I didn’t have to be afraid – the man would be put in jail. It was all too much for me – I burst into tears and shut down. They couldn’t get a word out of me.

The nurse took me into a small room with a couch and I lay down. Ten minutes later I heard my mother come into the office. She spoke with the counselor and nurse. I heard it all since there was just a thin door between me and them.

When I was 4, my appendix burst. Poisons drained into my abdomen and down into my scrotum. They fixed things as best they could but the doctors had told my mother it was unlikely I would be able to father children. But they wouldn’t be able to test for it until I was about 14. The thought had plagued my mother and she had to know – so she and the doctor decided that they would handle it as a routine test and keep me in the dark.

Some dark. There were 1500 kids in my school and about 1499 knew! So anyway, the test revealed that I could not have children. I achieved a sort of cult status in school. For some reason guys thought they could talk to me about masturbation since “I obviously did it professionally”. Girls seemed  giggley and kinda intrigued. And teachers hardly looked me in the eye for a year or so.  They all knew I was a nasty little masterbator.

I never did have children. But I think about it a lot. This poem was written about grandchildren. I saw a commercial on TV about a grandchild coming to a grandparent because she was scared, and I wrote the poem inspired by that.

I am sorry that things didn’t work out differently.

Posted by: Farley | June 7, 2009

Denial 101

My oh my things have certainly changed since Feb 2008 when I started this blog. Where to begin?

Back then I was working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week running my office as a financial planner and stock broker. It was income tax season and the market looked like it was recovering nicely. The economists and investment professionals were telling us to diversify into foreign (non-Canadian) investments, particularly financials and mortgage backed securities. That was the 100% wrong thing to be doing in retrospect. So much for my financial gurus.

My personal investments were always somewhat more aggressive than my clients – after all – I am a pro and can wheel and deal and watch things closely. Oops! I forgot about the possibility of getting sick and a major market downturn when I was incapacitated. That cost me over a quarter of a million dollars in retirement funds. Thank God, my clients who are generally retired, weathered the storm much better. They invested much more conservatively in bonds and guaranteed savings plans. Still, the average branch portfolio was down 18%. Mine was worse (sigh). Luckily the Canadian banks have done well and have recovered nicely and the averages are much improved.

Near the end of Feb 2008 my life was a zoo. Tax deadlines were approaching, my dad was very ill and my sister was worse. Shay – my real life niece was relying on me to help her through these tough times in our family. I felt like a force to be reckoned with – juggling these challenges and managing my clients money. In the meantime I was getting physically sicker and sicker and deeper and deeper into denial. I should have recognized the signs. Untypically,I had fallen asleep at my desk a couple of times when I was on conference calls. I went out for lunch one day and fell asleep in my car for 3 hours. I was having trouble keeping appointments late in the evening.

One Wednesday near the end of the month walked out into the parking lot to get into my car. It was about 11 am. I opened the door and fell inside panting and desperately trying to get my breath. I sat there for maybe half an hour waiting for the chest pain to subside and trying to breathe. I fell asleep or maybe fainted.

My office assistant came out and woke me up worriedly asking if I was alright. I assured her I was just over-tired and was going to head home for a rest. I started up my car and made my way out to the highway for the half hour drive home. Part way there I decided to drive directly to a hospital emergency department and hang out there for a bit in case I started to feel worse. In a stroke of pure genius I put on my four way flashers and drove in the slow lane ready to hit the ditch if needed. I keyed in 911 on my cell phone and kept it in my hand so I was “one button” away from help. Like a total moron, I drove like that for 35 km to my local hospital (passing a perfectly good hospital on my way).

Denial is such a funny thing – a very male thing I am told. Back in 1994 I woke up one Friday morning at 3am with a crushing pain in my chest. I was sweating and gasping for breath. I woke my wife and skidded down the stairs on my butt while she put on some clothes to drive me to the hospital. I refused to let her call me call an ambulance – I didn’t want the neighbours to know. When we got to the hospital they bombarded me with morphine and clot busters. I started feeling a bit better and told them I needed to go to work. They said no. I promised I would come back in on the Tuesday.

Finally a doctor dragged my wife over to my bed and said – “if he tries to leave – he will die. He is insisting on leaving – I will leave you to discuss this with him”. I will never forget the look on my wife’s face with the tears streaming down. I stayed in bed.
So back to last February, I made my way into the parking lot of the emergency department and parked illegally in a handicapped spot. I stumbled my way into the triage nurse. She asked what I was there for. I told her I just wasn’t feeling good and was going to sit in the waiting room until I felt better. I would let her know if I got worse. She had me on a stretcher and in cardiac intensive care in minutes.

Over the next 30 days or so I fought the good fight against blood clots that had hit my heart and lungs. I won, but not by much. A few months later I had a heart catheter and stent put in. Then another 3 weeks later – then another two stents a month or so later but one broke through an artery and caused a heart attack (my third). And it goes on and on and on.

What this all serves to do it explain why I haven’t blogged since Feb 2008 lol. I have been busy healing. My friend in SL, Serina is starting a blog and asked me what I would like to blog about. That caused me to look up what I had started here. Then I wrote this.

My motivation is different now. I remember thinking I wanted to provide a blog-home for some of the great poems and stories I came across in Elf Circle. But now I want write about current and touchy feely stuff – the things that matter to me now. I would like to explore events and things that interest or matter to me with flashbacks I don’t want to rant or sermonize or any of all that – I don’t care much about politics. I have my beliefs and opinions and an happy with them. It just isn’t important to me if others disagree with them or not.

So welcome to my new improved and renamed blog.

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